All, hell, can't stop us now. repeated 5 times, cymbals, song ends.

aggression.

another favourite subject of mine. without aggression, there is nothing. no existence. We weren't meant to live in harmony, everyone getting along with one another. it is not natural. But then neither is nuclear war. yet we try to prevent it. another man-made tool of fear, much like god. god, pfffft, I really care about not giving two shits to the subject, don't I? ah well, as long as the thought of god keeps people from committing rapes and murders. oh, wait, snap :D.

Coming back to aggression. I have twice in my life been so angry that I have not cared about personal harm, but just wanted to hurt other people as much as I could possibly. and twice in my life, I have been really scared, that I would hurt myself. no surprise, the latter had to do with women. I can't ever hit a woman. I just wish there were women who didn't take advantage of that. My new technique of grabbing and holding tight seems pretty successful. keeps me from wanting to hurt myself, stops me from hurting a girl.

When I actually look back, I'm very emotional. scarily so. and if you were to see me when I wasn't upset, you would never believe it is the same guy. actually, nobody does. apparantly it's all an act. something I'm happy to let everyone believe. don't want them thinking I'm vulnerable now, do we. can't be no stud then.

being a man is hard. ur expected to be everything. can't get away with anything.

rich enough so ur woman never has to work and can shop all day. yet, not be materialistic...

be really erect every single time you see her naked. but have a highly suppressed libido when it comes to any other female on the planet... seriously, can't check anyone out...

be the bad boy who turns his woman on, you know, the leather clad, muscled beast who is great in bed. while being sensitive to the womans feelings and making sure her dad likes you.

it's frustrating. but it's a job i don't mind. I like feeling like a man . a proper man. the feeling you get when you know its not just the cock that hangs between your legs that makes you one.

I'm a kid trapped in an ageing man's body. fuck. I'm 24. when and how did that happen. at 18, I couldn't wait to get older. now it's like WTF. I call 40 year old people by their first name. shocking.

aggression. yeah. the purpose of this post. Don't have it. be calm like the earth. but when the time is right, and when it is needed, do what is needed.

smoke some ganja

i find solace in pure music. music that clearly reflects the artists mindset, no matter how juvenile it is.

ok, how about books. In my opinion, there are two aspects to writing. My opinion means fuck all, but here it is.

1) story

2) writing skill

story> skill

you could be a great writer, but if you don't have a good story, its similar to a beautiful voice reading out the station announcements.

However, if you have a great story. people will go out of the way to understand you.

its the same with music. Great talent with an instrument, but weak song. meh. conviction in a song, but limited talent? not bad.

I wish I had more class and sophistication and the aura well-read kids have about them. Also, I'm forever happy. what the fuck is up with that. Sadness never fuckin killed anyone. ah.

im growing up. and it sucks. I miss my bike, my car, my freedom (i have financial freedom now, but have lost other kinds of freedom. can't act stupid. have a job to protect. can't risk my health, have a girlfriend to protect etc etc).

ive started drinking evian. my parents would freak out if they knew I was spending this much on water. its a lot of money. im a hollow shell. happy and ignorant. stopped reading ever since it became the 'thing' to do. the means to fit in with an elite well read european crowd and a then demanding girlfriend for whom I was not well read enough. miss it.

miss my country too. there really is no place like home.

i think its time to be a little less superficial and a little more me. .that was a sucky post. no humour. no nuffin.

knock knock, who's there? nidhaan. nidhaan who? your daddy.

Hello motherfuckers

Yes, its happened again. I'm all alone. Miss Kisunja has left me, or rather I left her in a different country, but don't worry, she'll be back.

I just had the awesomest trip to Rossiya, my job is going great (the bosses like me), I'm madly in love with a little kitten. So lets make this post about the obvious, shall we. STINK.

not only is the word an incredibly wonderful one to say (say it with me, 'stink'). It has this X factor; but the nature of what it describes is so powerful. Stink will always garner more attention than a good scent. Everyone expects the smell to be good, so when it smells like ass (anything, you, me, the town...) people pay attention.

That in itself, is my thesis on human behavior. There are two main conclusions to be drawn from it.

1) No matter how good you are, you will always grab more attention bing bad. Nobody ever reported on a scientist getting a minor breakthrough on the front page of any paper. Nobody gives a fuck about any honest young hard-working man who worked on fleet street. Its the stinks who get the fame.

2) All humans are assholes. We like to be better than everyone else. but, not only is it more convenient, but we truly enjoy being superior by making someone else feel inferior rather than just shining brighter than everyone else. I know of that. I once used to 'rule' an online forum :D. I have plenty of people who hate me (and for good reason) for I was an arrogant little pipsqueak who, using his genetically gifted wit and would amuse himself and others by ripping on anyone who had a different opinion.

On that positive note, its time to talk about relationships. my relationship in particular since I have no interest in yours.

I love my girlfriend, to bits. literally. I think I hugged her too hard and yesterday she kind of crumbled. I can't stop thinking about her, so I'm sorry but this awesome post will have to stop now. I had plenty of insightful comments to make (seriously) about human nature, behavior and teenage angst, but all that will have to wait for some time while I look at her pictures for a while.

My new year wish is that I wish to know more about my girlfriend. She has her secrets. Wish I knew all of them so I could keep my mind at ease knowing that I really will have a future with her. I would never leave her for anything she did/ that happened to her in the past, but knowing that there could be something and the uncertainty around it takes a toll on me. We'll have the cutest kids.